In the End, I Gave Up On Going "Home"

At the end of the last school year, Little J--my eldest--failed his final exam at Chinese school. When he innocently mentioned to his grandmother--my mother--on the phone, she said casually, "It's okay, just try harder next time. When your mom was a child, I never punished her for failing exams."

I was stunned to hear that. The truth was, when I was a kid, my mom would get angry if I didn't get full marks, let alone if I failed. Whenever she got angry, she would beat me, often leaving my skin torn and bruised. Sometimes, she would even grab my hands and bite them, and I still have scars on my hands today. When a pediatrician noticed the abnormal marks on my body, my mom insisted I had injured myself while fighting with my sisters. She even described me as a delusional and exaggerated child to family and friends, slandering me to cover up her own emotional issues.

I couldn't believe that after all these years, my mom was still telling the same lies--this time to my son.

Little J finished talking to his grandma, handed the phone back to me, and skipped off to his room. I picked up the phone and couldn't help but said to my mom, "Mom, thank you for encouraging Little J. But why did you lie about what happened when I was little?"

My mom responded, "What lie are you talking about?"

I said, "You said you never punished me. Do you even realize you were lying?"

She angrily replied, "I've forgotten all those things! If you bring up the past again, we don't need to keep in touch!"

Then, she hung up on me and blocked my number.

A month later, I booked the air tickets for myself and the children to Taiwan for the summer. My mom unblocked me, called, and said nonchalantly, "You guys can still stay in your childhood room this time when you come 'home.'"

I took a deep breath and said slowly, "Thank you, Mom. But after careful consideration, I've decided that I will not stay at 'your home' this time or in the future when we visit Taiwan."

For me, this was a painful decision. It wasn't the result of one disagreement with my mother but the consequence of a history of conflict. As a child abuse survivor, I escaped from that horrible "home" when I reached adulthood and came to the United States to study and work. After having my own family, I wanted to reconcile with my parents. On the Lunar New Year's Eve, when Little J was three years old, I mustered up the courage and took him to my childhood "home" in Taiwan for the first time.

I tried hard to build mutual understanding and rebuild my relationship with my parents, but they just wanted to pretend that nothing ever happened. Without reflection, there is no apology; without an apology, there is no forgiveness. I tried again and again, but all I received in return was physical and mental exhaustion--and secondary trauma.

After all these years, my relationship with my parents has not changed, and neither has their behavior. Considering my own well-being and the healthy development of my two children, I realized that continuing to visit "home" would only become a psychological burden for everyone. Finally, I gave up on going "home."

Of course, I could have made up an excuse for this decision, like saying that my children are growing up and my parents' apartment is too small for all of us. But I couldn't lie to myself. It doesn't matter how small a house is if it's filled with love. Unfortunately, what filled my childhood "home" is not love, but trauma and toxic relationships.

Research shows that estrangement from parents is more common then we think. If you have friends who are estranged from their parents, please don't tell them:

• "Your parents raised you well."

Many factors contribute to a person's growth and success. Please don't attribute their positive qualities to abusive parents.

• "You should move on and let go of the unpleasant past."

Everyone heals at their own pace. Facing and dealing with one's own trauma is a strength, no a flaw.

• "You should be grateful; there are others who are far worse off then you."

Pain cannot be compared. Yes, there are children who suffer extreme abuse and even death, but that doesn't mean survivors should feel grateful for their own pain.

• "They raised you, after all."

Having children is a choice made by parents, not children. Raise their kids is their responsibility, not a favor.

• "You only have one set of parents; you'll regret when they pass away."

This is emotional blackmail. Abused children may feel regret when their parents die, but what they regret is that their parents' refusal to reflect on the harm they caused, forever losing the chance for reconciliation.

• "No one is perfect, don't be so hard on your parents."

Estrangement doesn't happen overnight. It is the result of years of hurt, not a single quarrel. When parents hurt their children to the point of estrangement, it's not imperfection--it's abuse.

• "Your parents did their best; they had a rough childhood too."

People who experienced broken childhoods have the opportunity to understand the pain of being abused. It's their own choice whether to break the cycle or repeat the mistakes. Please don't make excuses for abusive parents.

If, like me, you choose to distance your self form your family of origin, please know this: it's not your fault. Even if you're not perfect, you deserve love and respect. And if one day you become a parent, remember that as parents, we have the power to let the trauma stop with us.