The Invisible Wounds and The Parents Who Cannot Face Their Own Children

"My left leg is a bit awkward. It was broken by my mom when I was a child."

I have been writing about family relationship for five years. During the years, I have had the pleasure to receive many letters from readers. Most of the letters have a clear purpose and start with a sentence like, "Thank you for your enlightening article. You healed me!" or "What nonsense are you writing about? I bet you don't even have a child!"

But this one letter—from a college girl—was very different. The opening, "my left leg is a bit awkward; it was broken by my mom when I was a child,' seemed random, but also heavy.

The letter was long. First, she wrote about how her mom often hit her when she was a child. She wrote that her mom would lost control and become hysterical, and one day finally ended up with breaking her left leg. Despite this, her mom considered herself a gentle person and thought that she was much better than her grandmother. "My mom said that my grandmother is a person who didn't know how to control herself, especially when it came to disciplining children," she wrote. "My mom said that my grandma beat her children for everything, big or small, with a 'I'll beat you to death' kind of attitude."

And herself—apart from fear when she was a child—never thought that her mom's behavior might be wrong. "Some of my classmates' parents also spank their children," she wrote. "My mom said that's how things are. She said that it's normal to spank children; that there's no parent who doesn't spank children, and she should be considered a gentle one. And I just believed her nonsense."

So she never hated her mom despite having her legs being broken, until recently.

"Few days ago, I heard my mom telling others that she is an educated person and would never beat a child." Hearing her mom say this, she felt nauseous and then vomited.

"Really," she wrote, "I actually threw up!"

Then she described the whole story: It started with one day when her mom and other neighborhood moms were talking about spanking children. Her mom said that when disciplining children, you should be serious and ruthless, and beat them for making the smallest mistakes; otherwise, it would be too late to beat them when they make some big mistakes and get into serious trouble.

But all the other moms disagreed. Some said that they usually gave a lecture or a time-out and rarely spank children. Others said that they never spanked their children. Her mom was being put on the spot and was embarrassed. She said angrily afterwards, "Those people are all lying! There is no one who doesn't spank their children! Anyone who says they don't spank their children is a lier! They just want to get attention for being different!"

Later, her mom discovered that there were actually many parents who don't spank their children. The children in those families don't get into "serious trouble." Instead, they have a better relationship with their parents. Gradually, her mom changed her story and started telling people, "I rarely spank children, only when I have no other choice."

Recently, her mom evolved her story once again and started telling others that she never spanked her children. This pissed her off. She wrote in the letter: "Times have moved forward, and parents like my mom have been washed away. What makes me angry is that now she should know that what she did was wrong, but she wouldn't admit it or apologize to me, instead, she lies...She even told others that my leg was broken after falling from a tree."

At the end of the letter, she wrote: "I just realized that I actually hate my mom...I hate her so much! I feel like a terrible daughter for saying this, but I think you'll understand me."

In some ways, I think I do understand her. My mama also spanked me when I was a child but refused to admit it. She told people that the injuries on my thighs were caused by fighting with my sister, while those were actually resulted from her beating me. She even called me a child with "delusional paranoia", leaving me disgusted and angered. Years later, I still vividly remember that disgusted feeling.

But the what anger me the most was not that my mama lied, but that in my heart as daughter, I have a strong desire to reconcile with my mama—From my work and lived experiences, I understand that all children are attached to their mother, even the worst mothers. However, when parents not only refuse to apologize but also deny that they have ever committed child abuse, the possibility of reconciliation is completely eliminated.

I wrote her back and told her that I had been working on reconciling with my mama for the past two years, but it has been very difficult because my mama, just like her mom, basically denied her abusive behavior. But my efforts were not in vain. Because I learned from it that the fundamental reason why mama denies her abusive behavior is that, as time goes by, she has realized that she was wrong, but she doesn't have the courage to admit it. She can't even face herself, so how can she face her daughter—me?

Fortunately, even if we cannot reconcile with our abusive parents, we can still forgive them. The first step is to let go of unrealistic expectations for our parents. Confucius said that having the feeling of shame is close to courage. There are very few people with that kind of courage. Parents are just ordinary people. It's not strange that they don't have that courage to admit their own mistakes or face their own children. The important thing is, we are the children, and the decision whether to forgive them and release ourselves is in our hands.

At the end of my reply, I asked her if I could have her permission to share her story on my blog. A few days later, she wrote back, "There must be a lot of stories like this, just no one tells them. Write if you like. No one will know it's me."

So this is her story—and my story and many, many others' stories—about the parents who cannot face their own children, and the children who wants to reconcile with their parent but have nowhere to begin. By the way, the photo on top is mine and has nothing to do with her.

*This post was originally published in Chinese on October 26, 2018 on Parenting.com.tw. This is an English translation revised on July 3, 2024.