To My 8-Year-Old in Therapy: It's Okay to Feel Worried

Baby J's art work: I love swimming.

Dear Baby J,

Sometimes, it feels like I don't know how to give you the support you need.

Recently, you suddenly stopped wanting to participate in swim meets. You started learning to swim at three, joined a swim team at six, and advanced to the next level at seven. For two years, you won numerous medals in both competitive and recreational meets. Papa and I are so proud of you.

But at the beginning of this semester, you suddenly refused to compete. You still go to practice regularly—you're always the first one to jump into the water, and you enjoy it. But whenever swim meets are mentioned, you become upset. At first, Papa and I continued signing you up as usual. But several times, the day before the meet, you began showing signs of anxiety, and right before the race, you even broke down crying on the pool deck.

After this happened several times, I realized the situation was serious.

Your older brother, who is also a competitive swimmer, tried to share his experience with you. Even though he's very strong now at twelve years old, he didn't attend his first official competition until he was eight, and he lost badly throughout his first year. He didn't start winning medals or advancing to the next level until he was ten, and from there he gradually worked his way to where he is now.

Your brother encouraged you to let go of your idol image, accept both winning and losing calmly, focus on improving your own records, and not compare yourself to others. You said you understood, but clearly, applying it is difficult. We can all see that you still carrying a heavy emotional burden and struggling with the pressure of competition.

Your coach suggested you take a break, and I agree. But more importantly, I decided to take you to get professional help. The reason is simple: if you're sick with a stomachache and don't want to go to school, I wouldn't say, "Fine, then just stay at home then." I would say, "Okay, we'll rest today and go see a doctor." In the same way, if anxiety is keeping you from competing, simply staying home won't help you feel better or grow stronger inside.

After referrals from your pediatrician and school counselor, we are finally going to visit a therapist for the first time this week. Before that begins, there are a few things I want to tell you.

Did you know? Each of us has a little angel and a little devil living on our shoulders. When we face challenges, the little devil may tempt us to choose what feels good in the moment but doesn't help us in the long turn—like eating candy instead of healthy food, or playing video games instead of doing homework. The little angel, on the other hand, guides us to make thoughtful and responsible choices.

When those two voices whisper to you, I hope you'll learn how to chose wisely. Seeking a therapist will help you build a strong inner voice—so that long afterward Papa and I can no longer guide you, you'll still be able to make wise decisions for yourself and stay true to what really matters.

You don't need to be good at everything. You only need one or two things you truly love—and give those your best effort. You are an average student in school, and Papa and I never expect straight As. We just want you to try your best. I hope you won't give up swimming, because it's something you're good at, something you enjoy, and talent like that is not something everyone has. I hope you understand that losing is not shameful—but not trying because of fear is.

Any negative emotion—including anxiety, sadness, and anger—can be handled as long as you can name it. If you don't yet know how to manage it, you can ask for help. Asking for help is brave, and I believe this step will help you grow and move forward.

Please remember: I love you not because you're one of the top swimmers in our county. I love you because you are Baby J—my precious child.

Let's keep going, together.

Love you forever,

Mom

November 18—San Diego